The last few months have been extremely rough for me. I have not admitted it to anyone, because I like to give the illusion that I am superwoman and can handle it all. But, the fact of the matter is that my heart breaks everyday when I hear Porter say "I miss Daddy" and when I wake up having to take on the world while my other half has already been up for 9 hours protecting us all. I go to work where I listen to Survivors tell me about their amazing sons and daughters who were killed in combat, accidents, passed away from illnesses and, yes, who even took their own lives. Every single Servicemember deserves the same respect, and I can't pass judgement on them. How could I? Their Families are left picking up the pieces and trying to move on. One mother called me, and I asked her what I could help her with, and she said "Something to take the pain away and make the tears stop." Wow, how do you answer that? All I could say was that we would always be here for her and that her son would never be forgotten. But, he completed suicide, and you won't here about him on the news. You won't hear about the horrific PTSD that he faced everyday. You just assume that he had mental problems and walked away from life. It is ok, because I used to think that way too. I admit it. Until I started hearing the Families talk. And, you know what? They just want to tell their stories and have someone listen. And, not judge. How much Financial Counseling do I actually do? Very little. I listen, and I get to provide comfort to our Families.
That being said, I carry a huge weight on my shoulders every day. My husband is deployed, and I know that I could get the knock on the door at any time. Please read this article which pretty much sums up my fear:
http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/08/09/sanderlin.afghan.deaths/index.html
7 1/2 months. I have held everything in for 7 1/2 months. I have listened to everyone, helped out with everything that I could, raised Porter alone, been away from family, and have been severely exhausted everyday. And yet, I know that I could be doing it forever if something happened to Joe, and that is what makes me melt down. Tonight, on VH1, Taryn from American Widow Project is nominated for the "Do Something 2011 Award" for all of her amazing work in starting up an organization that has brought hope, friendship, and life to young military widows. Their husbands won't be coming home in 4 1/2 months...their lives have completely changed. So, do I have anything to complain about? No, I probably don't. But, one inspiring widow came up to me at work and said, "Robyn, you can talk about your husband to me...it is ok. I want you to be happy." Gosh...wow.
Then, I think about all of our courageous wounded warriors. I know when they are injured, and I can read about their injuries. I picture in my mind their families getting the dreaded phone call saying that their Servicemember was seriously or very seriously injured and their lives changing forever. And yet, the majority make it through that storm and end up like this family:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xut35O8-jJw
There is no rhyme or reason for this post other than to vent. I am very, very proud to be a military spouse and the proud wife to my husband. But, dangit, I have the right to complain too, and I have been holding it in and appearing strong for too long. Please read this:
http://atwar.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/07/08/a-spouse-confronts-the-military-civilian-divide/ I am struggling with everything, but I won't tell you. Thousands of us military spouses are struggling and won't tell you. Please remember us in your prayers along with our Servicemembers. Because, the fact is, we are back here taking care of everything so that our Servicemembers can concentrate on one thing: protecting our nation.
Don't be worried, I am fine. I just needed to get it out. Yes, I can emotionally handle this job. But, if I don't talk about it (which a lot of things I cannot for confidentiality reasons) I know that it will eat me alive. Please don't look at me and assume that I have everything together. And, please don't get uncomfortable when I start crying, because I am hitting that deployment wall. It happens. And, it will fade away, eventually. I am just surprised that it has taken this long!
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