This week was a rough one. Work issues, personal issues, Porter issues all compiled on to each other, and I had a mini-breakdown. Of course it really just consisted of me stomping my feet and screaming out loud, "
I'M MAD! I'M FRUSTRATED!!!!" I know, you are thinking, "wow...that's it?" Ohhhh no. I wanted to do more, but Porter was standing in front of me and that is what we are trying to teach him to say when he gets upset. So, I had to suck it up and teach him a lesson while I was at it.
I also realized that I really missed Joe this week. Yes, it is always in the back of my mind, but I really missed him this week. We found out that Porter had strep of the throat and butt and couldn't go to school on Monday. Normally, that wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I didn't have any sick leave saved up, and I still had to go to work. If Joe was here, we could trade off with Peanut. Instead, I stood outside in the rain and just started crying as I tried to figure out what to do. Then, Porter came up to me and said, "
Mommy, it will be ok. Don't worry! I'm sorry I am sick." Oh my goodness. I just wanted to scoop him up, take him home and cuddle all day. But, I couldn't. Which left me feeling incredibly
guilty.
Is working full-time what is best for our family? Probably not. I am missing out a lot. I am missing his last year before starting school, and it breaks my heart. I am the sole parent right now, and I pick him up, come home to quickly make dinner, watch a show with him and then put him to bed. And, at least two nights a week I have to work in the evening so I don't get to spend time with him. Does it hurt him? I think so. He has been clinging to me more when I am with him, giving me more kisses and hugs and is starting to act up (well that started once Joe left).
But, the good part? I get a ton more hugs, Porter is listening to me (uh...most of the time), all of the time that we do have together is spent snuggling, reading, and getting ready for Pre-K. And, I am growing as a person which makes me a better mother. I am more confident, patient, and appreciative of all of the time that we have together. I have stopped running around and raced cars across the floor, eaten popcorn while watching various kids' shows, taken Peanut to the movies, and eaten out at various restaurants with just Porter. I have faced my fears and just started to
enjoy life. Who the heck cares if the house isn't clean, clothes aren't folded, and going out to eat excites me and makes me look forward to it all day. Our little dates always end in snuggles and kisses and "
I love you Mommy, thank you for taking care of me." Obviously I am doing something right.
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